What To Do If You Think Your Child Is Drinking
As a parent, it can feel terrifying to suspect that your child or teen has started drinking. You feel helpless, torn between wanting to protect them and knowing that they need to start making decisions for themselves. Adolescents who partake in underage drinking can be more likely to fall victim to a serious crime, experience problems at school, or be involved in drunk-driving-related crashes. There are constructive and destructive ways to approach this sensitive topic, and we're here to help you do it the right way.
Signs To Look Out For
First things first, before you have any conversation with your child or teen, you must establish definitively if they are drinking or not. There will be giveaway signs that you should pick up on. They include:
Changes to physical appearance: your child or teen may now have red, glazed-over eyes regularly, take less care in their appearance, or gain weight rapidly.
Loss of mental sharpness: their grades may slip in school, they suddenly have issues remembering basic details, speech is slurry, or they have previously unseen coordination problems
An abrupt change in attitude: they suddenly become very irritable, defensive, or angry. Rebellious behavior and a fluctuating temper become much more common.
Change in friend group: you may see an unexpected and radical change in their friendship circle, with an extreme reluctance to introduce you to their new friends.
Alcohol is discovered or has gone missing: the most obvious evidence will be finding alcohol hidden among their items or bottles missing from your home.
If you have proven beyond all doubt that your child is drinking, you can experience several overwhelming emotions like fear, anger, and hopelessness. If this happens, it's important to remember that every child has desires to experiment, rebel, and feel included in their peer groups. They are undergoing very intense changes in both their brain development and hormonal makeup. The consequences of discovering your child's drinking can go down two very distinct paths, and that is contingent on how you handle this.
Do’s & Don'ts
You may jump between wanting to explode on your child or hiding the bottles and pretending it never happened, and both of those options are mistakes. Discovering that your child or teen is drinking requires swift and immediate action. Our do's and don'ts are:
Do’s:
Approach with love - you love your child and want the best for them, and it's your responsibility as a parent to make sure that they understand that your concern comes from a place of worrying about their welfare.
Actively listen & ask open-ended questions - you need to understand your child and their perspective, especially their motivations for drinking in the first place. The way to do this is to pay attention to what they are saying without interruptions or judgments. You will discover a lot more than if you descended into an argument.
Explain the dangers - teenagers may be naively focussing on the "fun" aspect of drinking and not be fully aware of the downsides, and calmly explaining the negative consequences of frequent, heavy drinking in a way that your child understands will pay dividends.
Impose consequences - no parent wants their child or teen to be drinking heavily frequently, so you need to be firm and unmoving about boundaries. If your teen arrives home drunk or clearly under the influence of alcohol, they need to know that there will be consequences, including loss of phone, time with friends, or access to a vehicle.
Be a role model - children learn from their parents, and especially with a topic like drinking, you need to be the example you want your teen to follow. Show them what healthy, moderate drinking looks like, and they will have the framework for making positive decisions for themselves.
Don'ts:
Don't accuse, lecture, or humiliate - these tactics will not work. The only result will be a complete breakdown in communication and other secrets and rebellion. You will also lose credibility with your child or teen as they will be able to recollect the occasions in which you behaved imperfectly.
Don't only have this conversation once - this needs to be an open, continuous dialogue in which your teen feels safe and can express their feelings and adjust expectations as they get older.
Don't be inconsistent in your boundaries - this will send the absolute wrong message to your child or teen. They need to know what to expect from you and what the consequences of misbehavior will be. The contrary will lead to chaos.
This is a tricky situation that requires compassion, wisdom, and open communication. Fostering and maintaining a safe, healthy relationship with your child or teen is the number one safeguard against dangerous underage drinking. For more support on this topic, check out "Be The Parents" - Idaho's Official Government website for the prevention of substance abuse, as well as here for the state's official statements on drug policy from their dedicated office.
If you are highly concerned about your child or teen's drinking and you feel that professional intervention may be required, don't hesitate to get in touch for a free, confidential consultation with a member of the team here at the Walker Center. For more information on the dangers of alcoholism and substance use, check out The Walker Center blog.
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